Always Faithfully Yours
by DarkBlueWithYou
Summary: Finchel. Three words can change everything. And not getting a chance to say them? Well, that changes everything, even the way you live the rest of your life. Rachel writes letters to Finn. Occurs after Journey. R
1. I Never Told You

**Author's Note: Hey there, everyone. (: I haven't written a fanfic in... years. But, this story came to me the other day as I was answering the phone at work, and I just had to write it down. Let me know if you enjoy it. It is going to be kinda sad and angsty... sorry! **

**Disclaimer: I obviously don't own Glee. **

May 2010

Finn,

I don't really know why I am writing this. I just think there is a story, somewhere inside deep inside of me, just waiting to be told.

I waited all my life to tell you I loved you. And now, you see, I suppose I will never have the chance. I know you will never read this letter. You're gone. There is nothing I can do about it. Maybe writing this will give me peace, knowing that I have done my best to make things right. To tell you that... you were... and are... everything to me.

I will never forget last Saturday. I will never forget the day of the accident. No, that day will be imprinted in my mind until the day I die.

But maybe, just maybe, the good moments will begin to fade the bad feelings with time with time. The feeling of my hand in yours, running my fingers through your hair. No, I hope and pray that no amount of grief or sadness will remove those perfect moments from my mind.

However, the grief therapist said it would ameliorate my situation to write the good moments down, so I never have to worry about forgetting.

So here goes nothing.

Forever Yours,

Faithfully Rachel


	2. Shiny, Happy People

**AN: Here is chapter two. The next few chapters will be letters to Finn from Rachel about their relationship up before the day of regionals. (: Enjoy. **

The day we met, we were five years old, in Miss Bayer's morning kindergarten class. As if by fate, you sat in the desk directly in front of me. We had name tags on our shirts, remember? The blue "Hello, My Name is…" stickers were made so that our teacher would know our names as she was getting to know us on that first day of class.

I placed my name tag primly on my shirt. "RACHEL!" it read, in big pink letters, with a star next to my name.

But you, Finn. You broke the rules. You took off your name tag. You used it as a telescope, rolling it up into a tube to look at me. I remember being utterly disgusted. Appalled, I gently took the sticky tube from your hands, reprimanding you sternly.

"You can't do that, Mr. Hudson. That would be breaking the rules."

You smiled at me, Finn. With eyes, so big and innocent.

"You have pretty hair. Can we be friends now?"

* * *

Those were the best days of our friendship, Finn. Playing pretend in your backyard almost every day, I felt free. You and Noah would play soldiers going off to war, taking cover under the big bushes by your garage. I, of course, was your beautiful and musically talented Florence Nightingale who would care for the wounded while singing ditties to make you feel better.

_"This is a happy little ditty, I know the music ain't to pretty, you know the words aren't too witty. Anyone can sing this song..._"

Soon though, the tone of our games changed, and Noah had more and more influence over our them. Becoming more and more left out, I resulted in watching Power Rangers in my spare time, getting a pink wrist band so I could be the pink ranger. The only thing that made it better was seeing how happy you were, and feeling a part of something when me and you and Noah would hold our pink, green, and black wrist bands together.

Then you realized I was a girl.

That happened the summer before first grade. Your mom brought out the sprinkler in the back yard. She babysat me and Noah that summer, remember? While my dads worked? Well, anyways. She brought out the sprinkler and our bathing suits, and we stripped out of our clothes like we always did before, skipping our suits, just running bare. This time though, something was different about it. You stopped jumping and you looked at me like you never had before. You realized that… well, we were different. I blushed pink and ran inside.

We never played in the sprinklers again. At least not naked.

After that day, playing together wasn't as much fun. Noah teased you for playing with me, calling me a "silly girl" and a "drama princess."

Still we played together everyday, your mom bringing us both to your house until five o'clock after school every day while my dads worked late at their law firm.

But then, everything changed.

It was the day of my eighth birthday, and unlike most other typical children of the 1990's, I asked for a Wizard of Oz themed birthday. When I came into my backyard, I realized Daddy had gone all out, turning our typical Midwestern Backyard into an Emerald City Paradise. Down the middle of the grass was a yellow brick road., a flying-monkey piñata dangling above it. Each of my friends had arrived, Finn as the scarecrow. Noah made a perfect Tin Man, and Tina was the Cowardly Lion. The leader of the Lollipop Guild was perfectly portrayed by Kurt Hummel, and Artie was the mayor of munchkin land. But, my best friend, the very pretty Quinn Fabray, had arrived as the most stunning guest of them all, in a flowy pink gown and a tiny silver tiara on her head. She was Glinda, of course.

This was bound to be the best birthday party in the history of eighth birthdays.

I smiled, full of mirth, and laughed with surprise. I smoothed my blue and white checkered dress, then ran to join my friends.

But then I tripped. When I tripped, Finn… the most horrible chain of events occurred. I fell into Quinn, in her pretty princess gown. Quinn fell into my dad, who in turn spilled "Emerald City" green kool-aid all over the two of us. Quinn immediately screamed and burst into tears, running into the house to clean off before anyone could see the sickly color of her green skin, my dads running after her to keep the green mess off the white carpet.

Before I could do the same, all of my friends surrounded me. You too, Finn. Noah told me something that day, something I was never able to fully forget.

"You, Rachel, are no better than the Wicked Witch of the West."

That's when you came to my rescue.

"That's not nice, Puck…" you mumbled.

"What, Hudson? You sticking up for girls now? The Wicked Witch!"

"No, not evil witches… Just… Rachel." You blushed red. Everyone knew you would back down.

"Keep your trap shut then, Finn!"

* * *

The rest of the party is really a blur now. I remember picking clothes out of my closet for Quinn to wear as her dress was sent to the dry-cleaners.

"You will pay for this day, Rachel Berry," she yelled at me, her cheeks blushed with rage.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered, too ashamed to meet her eyes.

Moments later, she stopped out of my room and into the back of her mom's Cadillac. Out of my life, I thought for ever.

And then it was just me and you, Finn. You and I sat on my front steps, waiting for your mom to come and pick you up.

"Rachel…" you started.

"Oh Finn, thank you so much for sticking up for me today!"

"Um, yeah, sure…"

"Oh Finn, you were like my guardian angel, my knight! My rescue hero! I don't know what I would have done without you!"

"It was nothing really."

"I love you for being my friend, Finn."

"About that Rachel… I can't be your friend anymore."

My heart sank into my chest when you said that. I had never felt so downtrodden, so despised.

"But Finn…!"

"Listen, Rach, the guys are being mean to me because I am your friend. This is just the way it has to be."

Just then, your mom pulled up in that little old minivan.

"Goodbye, Rach." You gently kissed my cheek.

The last words I said to you for years were, "Bye, Finn."

* * *

Life was pretty miserable when you stopped being my friend. I sat alone at the lunch table and sang to myself at recess.

"_On my own, pretending he's beside me.  
All alone, I walk with him till morning without him.  
I feel his arms around me, and when I lose my way, I close my eyes  
and he has found me."_

I would sing "On My Own," to myself for hours. It reminded me that I didn't need you to make me happy, to be my friend. It also reminded me of teaching you the song one day on the way home from school so you could sing along with me.

On the first day of third grade, I got the teacher I desperately wanted, Mrs. Miller. The only problem was that you did too. And your desk was directly next to mine. Still, you didn't relent.

After that day at my party, the only words you said to me were "excuse me" when you bumped me and "bless you" when I sneezed. I'll admit that sometimes I would fake a sneeze so you had to talk to me. But. I think you already knew that… I think you wanted an excuse to talk to me too.

* * *

The unbreakable silence went on and on until our seventh grade year. North Middle School put on a fatefully (and ironically) chosen production of "The Wizard of Oz." I, of course, auditioned, mostly just to prove everyone wrong. I, Rachel Barbara Berry, was no Wicked Witch of the West. And I did just that. I, in February of 2007, was cast as Dorothy Gale of Kansas.

After months of practice, rehearsal, and diligent work, I took my bow, putting my first rendition of Dorothy to shame. I remember beaming, with both pride and perspiration. That night, I did regain some respect from my classmates, as well as hugs, handshakes, and of course, roses and a teddy bear from Dad and Daddy.

Still, nothing mattered as much as the three words that you said to me that night.

"You were amazing."

You took my hand in your sweaty one, and awkwardly shook my hand.

I barely could even recognize your voice, so deep. At the same time though, it still had the child-like, purely Finn quality that I remembered so well.

Completely shocked, I failed to reply. I did, however, manage to gape at how handsome you were becoming, your brown hair long and beginning to wisp around your ears and neck.

&& that moment began my epic crush on one Finn Matthew Hudson.

**Please tell me what you think! Reviews are love, you know. 3**


	3. Greatest Fan of Your Life

**AN: Okay, so no reviews yet. That's okay, I write for me, not for people anyways. But, if you want to tell me what you think, I would really appreciate it. (: **

**I don't own Glee, or the song I use, I'll Be by Edwin McCain. **

* * *

Is there anything worse than the Freshman Homecoming Dance?

Well, for me, it is one of my least savory memories. Guess who asked me to the dance, Finn? Do you remember? Yep. No one. I went with my cousin, Nicholas. He is great and all, don't get me wrong. But all night, Finn, I just saw you with Quinn Fabray with her perfect yellow dress and sparkling smile.

I looked okay, I suppose. With that short white dress with the tiny black polka dots. Although, it was a month before I got my braces off, and my teeth were a dreadful distraction from my indisputable beauty that evening.

My cousin came to pick me up at six p.m. sharp so my parents could take a tremendous amount of photos. When I say a tremendous amount, I mean we posed in eight different locations, and we didn't leave my house until almost seven o'clock.

Daddy was our chauffer, he dropped us off at Denny's Pizza Palace, which was not my ideal locale for my first grown-up dance. But then again, there weren't that many people there, and it was a way less awkward setting to have dinner with your cousin then an intimate, dimly lit dining room. We ordered a veggie pizza, and we ate in general silence. That was nice, to be honest. Sure, it was a bit awkward. But we are cousins, and eventually we began to talk more freely about school and friends and things. Then Nick paid the bill, and we rejoined Daddy in the parking lot. And we got to the part of the evening I was dreading most, Finn.

It was time to go to the dance.

* * *

We arrived a little late, the music already pumping, students sweating, and teachers chatting, swaying to the beat. You could tell what grades the students were in, seniors in the middle of the dance floor, surrounded by a ring of juniors, mixed with a few brave (and lucky) sophomores. Around the edge of the dance floor were the gangling and frightened freshmen, who were attempting to grind on each other. In reality, Finn, we all know they looked like rabid animals. Although no one would admit it at the time. It makes me laugh now, thinking of the horror I felt, walking into the dark and stinky room.

"It's only for 2 hours. I can do this, I can do this…" I thought over and over and over again, willing myself to shine like I knew I was the prettiest girl there. Despite the fact that I felt like wilting into a corner and putting a paper bag over my face.

Nick saw how uncomfortable I was, so, like the best cousin ever, he reassuringly put his hand on the small of my back and led me over to where there were some seats on the side of the dance floor.

"I am going to go get us some punch, okay?"

"Oh… okay." I felt dazed as he quickly left my side.

"Hey, you wanna dance?" Kurt Hummel, bless his heart, offered his hand to me in the sweetest way possible, with a smile on his face. I knew it was fake, but I was so desperate to fit in that I stood up and followed him onto the floor.

We bobbed to the music for a minute or so when the music abruptly went silent after a loud squeaking whine from the sound system. Do you remember what happened next, Finn? The DJ when rogue on us, of course.

"Okay everyone. We are going to have a Get-Together dance! Now everyone form two large circles, girls on the inside, boys on the outside."

Of course, there was a loud groan from the student body. But eventually, all the teenagers complied with the orders, and a song began to play, I think it was by Kelly Clarkson. (Gag me now, Finn!)

We all walked in that circle, around and around and around until the music unexpectedly stopped. When it did, my heart sank to the floor like I had been dropped from the DropZone at King's Island. You know that feeling, right? I closed my eyes tights and prayed that this wasn't about to be the most awful dance of my life.

When I turned around, I knew God still listened to my prayers. Because you were standing in front of me, a gooney smile on your face.

"Um, let's do this thing…" you said awkwardly.

_The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful  
Stop me and steal my breath.  
And emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky  
Never revealing their depth._

The music started to play, we awkwardly stood across from each other. I thought I was nearly going to faint as you took a small step toward me, and wrapped your arms around my waist, and I, in turn, linked my arms around your neck. I could feel your thick, dark hair, the way it wisped across your neck. It slid perfectly through my fingers. You were so tall, I could barely reach your neck. But somehow, it made it so much cuter, and less awkward, that I could barely look into your eyes unless you purposely looked into mine. Which you did. I moved, following your lead dumbly, too shocked to even speak. You spoke first.

"So… how have you been?"

"Delightful, but exceedingly busy with my obligations. And you? I hear you are the back up Quarterback already." You reddened with pride.

"Oh, yeah, That's pretty fun. You should, you know, could to a game sometime. Like next Saturday night, there is a home game."

We both fell silent.

_I'll be your crying shoulder,_  
_ I'll be love's suicide_  
_ I'll be better when I'm older,_  
_ I'll be the greatest fan of your life._

You tried again.

"Hey, there is party, after the game. At my house, my mom will be out of town. You should come. If, you wanna."

"Perhaps, Finn. That wouldn't be very comfortable for you though, I am sure. Or very good for your reputation."

"Eh, that old stuff doesn't matter anymore, Rachel. Come anyways."

"I will think about it."

"Good."

When the song ended, you went right back to Quinn Fabray. I could tell that she was fawning over you, telling you how brave you were to dance with me, and how awful having to dance with her old friend, Noah Puckerman was. I could tell, she enjoyed her dance with Puck just as much as I enjoyed my dance with you. But of course, neither of us would ever admit it.

* * *

I never went to that party. We both knew I would never go.

Especially since that very next Monday morning, Puck through a slushie in my face. My very first slushie. And you didn't do anything about it.

* * *

**Hope you guys enjoyed that next installment. The next letter will be about Finn joining Glee, their first kiss, and their first date bowling. You don't want to miss it. (: **


	4. I Want To

We didn't see much of each other after Homecoming. I decided I didn't like dances, so I stopped going. I went to sporting events a few times, but you were too caught up in your life to see me, sitting in the crowd, wishing you would just see me. You never did.

A new school year began, and I started to feel my high school career ticking away, like I had not yet begun living. I looked at the other girls, the Cheerios like Quinn, who had boyfriends and sports, they had a support system. I had the failing Glee Club and too busy dads who never seemed to notice if I were home or not.

I was alone.

No one could understand me. Especially not you.

But the first day you walked into the Choir room, I thought my heart was going to explode inside my extremely flat chest. We sang together and the world felt right for the first time in eight years, since you stopped being my friend. As we sang together and spun in that circle, our voices… they mixed, as if we were one person. It was… magic.

You felt it too, I saw it in your eyes. Everything was right in that moment.

Even though I am intense, determined, and frequently irrational, I could tell that you loved singing with me almost as much as I loved singing with you.

I knew you had been dating Quinn by then for four months… but it didn't really matter to me. Because in my heart, you had always been mine, Finn. Always and forever, you had been my best friend, even when you were never there for me. No one could ever take your place.

I think that's why our first kiss on the stage meant so much to me. Before that day in October, I had never felt complete. You were my first real kiss, Finn. Unless Jonah Epstein in the 7th grade, underneath the stairs at Temple counts. Which it doesn't. Anyways, the point is that you always had my heart, Finn, and you will always have my first kiss.

"You know, you can kiss me if you want to."

"I want to."

In those seconds, the world was spinning and all I could see were stars swimming around my head. We were at the center of the world, Finn. I felt warm all over, all the blood in my body rushing at once. But, at the same time, I had chills running down my spine, as you hovered over my body, pressing your weight against me, like your life depended on me to hold you up.

Even though it was my first kiss, I knew it was a good one. I knew we fit together. I knew we were meant to be.

That is, until you ran away.

* * *

You went back to Quinn. Well, I can't say I was surprised.

Mortified and heartbroken? Indubitably.

Surprised? No.

I knew I wasn't pretty enough to catch your attention, too easy to make you interested.

I quit show choir after that, knowing that no one appreciated me the way that I deserved to be revered. I joined the failure-cast of Cabaret as the lead. I, for once, felt at home, like my role was changing the way people would see me forever. I was done being a diva, done storming out of rehearsals, because I was finally being appreciated for who I am. And that? Was a blessing. And a shock.

More shocking was the day you asked me out on a date. I know, I know. I am naïve. I should have known you just wanted me back because the club needed me. But I wanted you so badly, Finn. Even to just be your friend. For you to accept me as I am, and admit that you were the one who needed me.

That date to the bowling alley meant everything on that day. It was even worth the broken heart that it produced, because I lived off that day for months.

I still remember the way you looked when you walked up to my doorway. When I swung the door open, your face was full of surprise. Believe it or not, Finn, it took me almost an hour to decide what to wear that day. I know, I know. Looking back on it, it was a horrid fashion choice, especially with the bowling shoes. But, I didn't want you to think I was trying to impress you. But I wanted to impress you, so badly. You wore that brown stripped sweater and jeans. You were laid back and comfortable.

You teaching me how to bowl reminded me of being young kids in your back yard. Like the day you taught me how to play baseball. And the day that it was raining and you taught me how to dribble a ball on the kitchen tile.

In a way, you helped raise me. And I helped raise you.

We ate pizza, even though I am a vegan. Yes, I totally made an exception for you and ate cheese. And to be honest… it was totally worth the sacrifice. Sure, at first, I thought of a poor baby calf crying for its mother's milk and the horrid, inhumane treatment of dairy cows. But then you smiled at me with a string of cheese on your chin. And it was totally worth it.

And then you told me that you appreciated me, that my talent added a lot to the club. When I got that strike, the pink ball somehow managing to knock over all of the pins…. I don't know what came over me. I kissed you. I shouldn't have… but the awkward and hard kiss was still, in a weird way, perfect. We fit together, Finn. When you pulled away and told me to come back to Glee, I knew there was nothing else for me to do. I love you. So I quit Cabaret.

And then Quinn was pregnant, and you were the accused impregnator, Finn. I felt so stupid, so used, so useless.

I felt like I would never learn my lesson with you, Finn.

And maybe I never will.

* * *

You came up to me, the Monday morning after our Invitationals.

"Rachel, can we please talk?"

"I can't talk, Finn. I have to go to class."

"Well, can I walk you? I just want to talk. I want to make things right." I sighed and slammed my locker shut. Adjusting my books to rest on my hip, I looked up at his stunning eyes and saw how insistent he looked.

"Okay, Finn. You have 3 minutes." He beamed.

"I just wanted to say that I am sorry for not telling you about Quinn and the baby sooner. and I know that our problems as friends go back, way before I ever liked Quinn, or even liked girls at all. I am a screw up, Rach."

That was the first time you called me Rach since the day you broke my heart. The word sounded like a sweet harmony on your lips.

"Say it again, Finn."

"I'm sorry." I could tell he really meant it, but that wasn't what I was looking for.

"No, Finn. The part when you said my name."

"I'm sorry, Rach. I really am. I want to make it up to you." I smiled up at him. You always have been my weakness, baby.

"Let's just try and be friends for now, yeah?"

"Yeah, okay." You looked uncomfortable.

"Okay then, Finn. We are friends."

"I like the sound of that," you mumbled.

"Me too, Finn. Me too."

* * *

**Review! It would make me eternally happy! :D**


	5. Apples and Oranges

**Yes, I know I just updated, but I am about to go back to school next week and I figured that getting the next chapter up while I had the muse was probably a good idea. So enjoy, please review. And watch the season premiere of Glee, September 21. :D**

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* * *

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Oh, Babygate.

I made the wrong decision, Finn, regarding Babygate. Just call me Nixon, just trying to stay in office. All I wanted was for you to know who your true friends were. And that is why I told you that you weren't Drizzle's father. If Quinn loved you like I did, she would have told you. She didn't. And neither did Noah, your best friend since preschool, your next door neighbor, your teammate. If he cared about you, he would have told you that it is impossible to get someone pregnant by kissing in a hot tub.

They could never care like I did. Like I do.

I have a strong moral compass, Finn, and you have always known that. I was always the kid telling others not to run in the hallway, so say please and thank you. And in this case, to tell the truth.

Like that time in the first grade that the bigger boy took your jacket out of your cubby and strung it up the flagpole, then lied about it? I sang him a loud and obnoxious song (This is the Song That Never Ends) until he relented, taking the jacket off the flagpole and apologizing. I was your hero that day. I wanted to remind you that I am always your hero.

But I guess I didn't get what I really wanted after all. You did come and save the day at Sectionals, and we all appreciated it. But I guess I thought that you wanted more from me than just friendship after that day. At least it seemed that way.

Standing on the front steps of the auditorium in the cold winter air, I could see your breath as you breathed in and out, and if you looked up, you would have seen that our breath was mixing, making a cloud of condensation above us.

"Hello, Finn."

"Hey, Rach." You stared at me. I stared back. I don't think we knew what to say to one another. All I could think about was that first kiss…

"You were amazing in there. I definitely will never rain on your parade again," you said, smiling.

"Thank you, Finn. That means a lot to me, but really, you were the one who saved the day. Without you, we definitely would have lost." I shifted me weight over my feet, trying to regain some warmth. It was getting cold outside, the days growing darker and darker in the Midwest winter.

"Well, I don't know about that. But we definitely had a bunch of fun." You smiled down at me, and I felt myself growing soft inside, wanting to melt into you.

"I was wondering if you wanted to go to back to my house. We could watch a movie and make hot chocolate or something." Like old times, I silently added.

"That sounds nice. Can I drive you there?" You gave me a weak smile. I knew you were still heartbroken.

"I would love that, Finn."

* * *

We spent the rest of the night talking and sort of watching West Side Story. But mainly, we sipped our hot cocoa in front of the fire place, playing a two person game of Apples to Apples, meant to be more funny than competitive, telling stories and reliving the "good old days" of being best friends.

I let out a final laugh and I laid down on my back on the soft, plaid blanket that I had laid out in front of the mantle. The grandfather clock in the corner struck 12 o'clock, ringing twelve times. Letting out a loud sigh, I rolled on to my side, just as I realized that you were laying on your side, facing me. Noses almost touching, my breath hitched in my throat. In my wildest dreams, I never would have thought that you would be mine. But, you smiled softly, and touched my cheek, then used your hand to lift my chin. And you kissed me.

The room disappeared. Babygate disappeared. The floor fell away. I couldn't hear the ringing of the clock.

I did, however, notice every single thing that you were doing, as you slowly rolled my back into the floor and pushed your weight against me again. And then I ruined the moment, Finn.

"Does this mean we are a couple now?"

Why do I never keep my mouth shut? You jerked up quickly.

"Rachel…."

"Never mind, Finn. I never should have said that, I have no right to ask for that. You are still hurting, I know you aren't ready." I sighed, and pressed my lips to yours one last time. "I am so sorry that you are hurting, Finn. You have always been my best friend. You know me better than anyone else. I am sorry I asked for something you can't give me."

Your face broke into a smile.

"Rachel, I would like it if you would be my girlfriend."

"Really!" I think I almost jumped out of my own skin in that moment.

"Really."

You touched my face again, then my hair, slowly kissing each part of my face. Then you kissed me again, this time harder, way more intensely than the first time. Your touch felt like fire.

Something in the back of my head said it was wrong, to let you kiss me when I knew you were still hurting, while you still weren't over Quinn.

But I definitely didn't care enough to make you stop, your hands firmly gripping mine for support, our fingers intertwined. My hands got lost in your hair, then, pulling you closer, your hands pushing on the small of my back, just a little bit under my black knit sweater. Your hands were warm on my cold skin, and feeling them on my naked skin made me feel a little crazy inside.

"Rachel Barbara Berry! What is going on here?" Elsie, our housekeeper burst into the room, in complete shock.

"Oh my gosh, Elsie! What are you doing here!" I jerked to my feet, bringing Finn up with me.

"Your fathers asked me to make sure you made it home okay, since they are stuck in Washington overnight. But you are fine here, obviously."

"Yes… I was just fine, thank you, Elsie."

"Just the same, Mr. Hudson, although it is wonderful to see you around here again, I think it would be best if you went on home now." Finn turned red sheepishly.

"Yes ma'am." You kissed my cheek one last time, remember? Our eyes locked, and you brushed the hair from my eyes. "I will call you tomorrow, Rach."

"Okay, goodnight, Finn."

"Goodnight."

* * *

**Review please. The next chapter will be all about Hell-O, meeting Jesse St. James, etc. I love everyone who has subscribed and review, you guys make my heart tick. Because I am like tinkerbell (and Rachel Berry). I need applause to live. (; **


	6. Do Not Pass Go

**A/N: Hey, everyone! Thank you all for reading; I really appreciate it. This chapter is pure fluff to make the chapters where Rachel is with Jesse less awful for me to write, and less dreadful for the Finchel-shippers to read. Please, review! I am open to positive and negative critique, and ideas for future chapters will definitely be considered. **

**lovelovelove, **

**Emily**

* * *

"Good morning, Finn!" I said, picking up the phone, cutting my "Don't Stop Believin'" ring tone off in the mid-chorus. It was bright and early the next morning, a pretty, sunny Sunday, the first real morning of Christmas Break. I had already ran on my elliptical for 3 miles, taken a shower, and now I was sipping a protein shake while watching our performance from Sectionals that Mrs. Pillsbury had recorded for me the night before.

"Morning, Rach." I could feel your smile radiating through the phone.

"Did you sleep well?" I asked.

"Mhm," you said, with a little laugh. Okay, so our first conversation as a couple was a bit awkward. But that would get better.

"That's good. I couldn't really sleep. I was far too busy thinking."

"Oh really? About what?"

"Oh, just about a boy. And the magical night that I had last night. Nothing major. You know how that is, I am sure."

We shared a laugh, then went on to talk on the phone for over an hour. When I finally hung up the phone, my gold-star alarm clock read 9:57. (Yes, baby. I remember exactly what time it was.) As I shut my phone, I threw myself down on my bed, my upper body hanging off the end of the mattress. That is when I realized that there was snow on the trees, the first snow of the Lima, Ohio Winter had fallen while I was asleep! I jumped up and ran to the window. There was a good 5 inches on the ground, how had I missed that? The snow of my backyard had not yet been walked upon, creating a lovely winter wonderland.

That is when I had a brilliant idea. I took one final sip of my protein shake. Throwing on jeans, my grey boots, my pink puffy coat with a white fur hood, and a white cap, gloves, and scarf, I ran outside and got in my Jetta, phone in hand.

One ring.

Two rings.

Three Rings.

Bingo.

"Hey there pretty lady!"

"Hey there, handsome boyfriend." I laughed, and I pulled out of my driveway, driving down the slightly icy street. I pulled out of my housing development and made a right onto your street.

"I feel like I just talked to you, Rachel. I wonder why?" you said, with a laugh. "Do you need something?"

I pulled into your driveway.

I loved living close to you.

"Why yes, as a matter of fact." I got out of the car. "I need you to look out your bedroom window.

"Why would I do that?" Just as I saw you open your blinds, I threw a snowball at your window. "Oh my gosh! I will be right there!"

After a few minutes, you finally opened your door, still wearing your plaid pajama pants, with big black snow boots and your heavy winter coat. This is Lima, Ohio. We are used to massive amounts of snow around here.

You trekked across the treacherous yard to meet me, face to face.

"Hey," you said, stepping into me. I could tell by the look on your face that my surprise (and the cold) was taking your breath away.

"Hey there," I breathed.

"You look…." You paused for a moment, then frowned. "Rachel, I have never seen someone look so pretty in my life."

I beamed with joy… but I didn't really know what to say. I just shyly smiled, and said, "You want to build an igloo with me?"

A smile spread across your lips as you reached out and put your arms around my waist and pulled me in for a sweet kiss.

"If you want an igloo, I will build you an ice castle, Rachel Berry."

"Really now?" I giggled.

"Well. I can try."

* * *

We tumbled into your living room a few hours later.

"Oh my goodness it is freezing outside!" You shivered, and I pulled you into a big hug. "You must be freezing, Mr. Hudson." Touching your hypothermic ears, I realized we had probably stayed out far too long, building a snow fort, a snow couple, and finally, making snow angels.

"I am. I am going to go find some dry clothes. Do you want to come to my room with me? I could get you some clothes to wear and we can put yours in the dryer."

"Okay, sounds lovely, Finn." You. Were. Letting. Me. Wear. Your. Clothes. Like a REAL boyfriend.

"Mkay, my room is right down the hall," you stated, beginning to lead the way.

"I know, Finn. I have been in your room a million times, remember?" I laughed.

"Oh, right." You laughed too, loudly, looking down at me. "Dang, Rach, your feet are white, they are so cold. Can you feel them?" The look of genuine concern on your face was endearing.

"Actually, now that you mention it, no, I can't. They are tingling and burning from the cold. But it isn't a big deal, Finn."

"Here, let me help," you said sweetly, and you turned your back to me.

"Finn, are you really offering me a piggy-back ride? You haven't given me one of those since we were in grade school."

"Well, it seems like a pretty good solution. Unless you want to walk on your sore, numb feet." Okay, and maybe get ridiculously close to the sweetest boy on earth….

"Okay…" Gently, you lifted me up, my arms firmly around your neck, as you carried me from the living room to your room, both of us laughing all the way. I wish I had a picture of that moment, the way you, my big giant, carrying me so gingerly, like I was an Autumn leaf, ready to crumble.

Even more gently, you turned around, and let me down so that I sat perfectly down on your bed.

It was maddening, Finn. How much your room smells like you. The sweet smell of your cologne, the smell of your laundry detergent. And even though your room was really messy, I still loved it because it was your room.

Quickly, you got into a drawer, pulling out a pair of navy blue track pants, a white beater, and a big, William McKinley Sweatshirt.

"Is this okay?" Starting to take off my wet sweater, I nodded.

"Mkay, I will take my clothes and go change in the bathroom. Meet me in the living room? When you are ready?"

"Sure, see you in a few," I said, beginning to unbutton my jeans. Okay, maybe I wanted to drive you a little crazy… But, I have the cutest boyfriend on the face of the planet. Who could blame me?

You smiled, shutting the door behind you.

I changed quickly, then took my clothes into the laundry room, putting them on medium-high heat. Then I met up with you in the living room, snuggling up next to him on the couch and ESPN. You turned to me and your neck turned a little red, looking me over.

"I know, I look ridiculous, I am sorry. I didn't have any other options," I said, hoping you weren't about to laugh at me in your large, oversized clothes.

"No, Rachel, no. It makes me really happy to see you in my clothes, you look really…. Cute." Smiling, you pressed a kiss to my forehead.

"Thanks," I said, shyly kissing your cheek, then pulling you up off the couch. "Come on, let's play a board game. Like we did when we were kids," I said, tugging on your arm, leading you into our own little world.

* * *

We spent the rest of the day playing Monopoly. I won, but it took almost four hours for us to finish the game. Then, your mother got home, and Carole insisted that you go with her to their evening church service.

"But mom, Rachel's here…"

"It's okay Finn. I need to work on some things at home anyways." I gathered my things, my dry clothes and my purse. "Thank you for a lovely day, Finn. I really had a lot of fun."

"It was a blast! Thank you for surprising me."

"It was my pleasure."

"Hey, you should come to my Basketball game on Tuesday night. It is the last one until after New Years."

"Okay, sounds good. I will see you there, then." Rising onto my tip-toes, I pressed a soft kiss to your lips. Thinking back on it, this was one of my favorite kisses that we shared, because we were both warm and cosy, my hands placed perfectly on your neck, and your hands on my ribs. I slowly moved away, just breathing you in. I love just feeling close to you. That kiss was the perfect slice of heaven, just enjoying being togther. "Bye, Finn."

"Bye, Rachel. I had a great day with you."

"Me too, Finn. Me too."

Then, I went home and ordered my Team Finn T-shirt. In blue of course, it was your favorite color. (Yes, baby, I remember that too.)

* * *

**A/N: So that was the end of chapter 6! Please tell me what you think. :D**


	7. Pride Goeth

**AN: Sorry it has been so long. I got hung up on this chapter, and I don't know why. Sorry if it isn't very good. ): Thanks everyone for reading. (:**

* * *

Well. You didn't accept my Team Finn T-shirt very well. Not well at all.

I made it to your basketball game on Tuesday, for sure. I wish I had never come.

Thinking everything was perfect, I waited around for you after your game, expecting to take part in some sort of entertainment after the game. That was not the case.

You stormed out of the locker room, slamming the door angrily, not looking at me as you started to walk into the parking lot.

"Finn! Wait up!" I stupidly followed you into the dark night, pulling my pink coat tighter around me for warmth.

"What!" You sounded so…. Mean. I barely recognized you.

"Never mind… I just thought that we could perhaps go to a mindless movie or out to eat or something after your victory. But it seems that you are far too out of sorts for such frivolities." Burning. All I could feel were tears burning the back of my eyes, and the tingling of my numbing fingers. I turned my back, in full Diva-Flounce.

"Rach… Rachel! Wait up!"

I turned around, hoping that you were going to make everything right. Well. You kind of did.

"Rachel, I am just having a hard day. I have to play on the team with Puck after what he did to me, after he got Quinn pregnant. I just want to kill him. And I have to play on his team. It is just a bad day."

"So you… you aren't over Quinn?" I felt my heart sinking lower and lower, and I felt so stupid. I knew what I was getting myself into, didn't I?

"I just. I don't know, Rachel. Can we do this tomorrow?" You looked over at your mom who was waiting for you in her Chevy minivan.

"I am leaving in the morning for Aspen with my dads, and I won't be back until the first day back to school. Call me tomorrow night?" This can't be the end. Already.

"Okay, I will." You were almost to your car when you turned back. "I really do like you, Rachel. Just. Pretend this never happened?"

Giving a big, fake, but very convincing smile, I finally spoke up. "Of course."

* * *

Aspen was fine, I suppose. The whole time, however, I really just wanted to be back in Ohio with you.

You never called.

I called. A lot of times. But you only answered once, and we only spoke for a few minutes.

When I came home on Sunday night, I expected a grand gesture, a date, a note, flowers. Something that said that you were sorry, that you still cared. Nothing.

I spent another New Year's Eve with my dad, not getting kissed at midnight.

* * *

On the first day back to school, you freaked out when I showed you the relationship calendar I made, all in a stupid attempt to make you love me, to make you forget Quinn Fabray altogether. But, it had the opposing effect; I made you lose who you are, made you forget your inner rock star. I never should have let you walk away, Finn.

So, I retaliated, both with a creative "Hello!" song, (hell is part of hello, you know) but also by falling in "love" with my perfect match, with Jesse St. James.

How could I not doubt my relationship with Jesse? Especially after you circled dates on the calendar for us to hang out. I knew that you wanted our relationship to work… but I was too stubborn, too fierce to think that I needed you to be happy. So I fell, happily into the arms of Jesse St. James.

The drama fed my inner-diva. I knew that my relationship with Jesse was like Romeo and Juliet, two star-crossed lovers, fate would bring them together, but inevitably, destiny drove us apart. Making the club realize how valuable I was, making them realize that it mattered if I fraternized with the enemy made me feel special, like I was needed.

And seeing you stare at me longingly, like I gazed at you for eight long years, made the malicious, bitchy girl inside of me—that even the sweetest of girls foster inside, bubble with joy, knowing I was causing you pain.

At the same time, I cried myself to sleep almost every night, reliving every moment we shared together, wishing I were thinking of Jesse instead. But yours was the face I saw when I shut my eyes, no matter how tightly I clenched my eyes shut. And no matter how hard I tried, every time Jesse's lips touched mine, I wished they were yours. When I held is soft, white hand, I wished that his nails were dirtier, their edges more ragged. And when he didn't want to go with me to the last basketball game of the season to support you and Puck, I knew that he could never love me the way that you did, even if he did understand my love of the Wiggles.

Everything was wrong. I found myself wanting to give Jesse my virginity, just because I was sick of being alone. Yes, I insisted I deeply loved Jesse, but in reality, I just wanted you to fight for me. To have an excuse to leave Jesse behind. To have something to look forward to.

I realized that when I almost lost my voice, when I failed to sing the song by Miley Cyrus. Knowing that you would still love me even if I did sing like a dying cat for the rest of my life.

Jess left, came back, healed our rocky relationship, made me feel alive again.

Then, Jesse left. I walked the hallways alone. No one understood. No one, that is, but you.

You never failed to ask me how my day was.

You saw the tears that I desperately tried to hide.

Although Jesse St. James had broken my pride and my heart, you saw through me. You saw that I still, deep

down, needed you.

* * *

The week before Sectionals, I sat in the middle of the auditorium, still clad in my Lady Gaga get-up, black leather and all. Surrounded by rows of empty seats, I don't remember ever feeling so alone in my life. I could still feel the ooze of the egg dropping down my defeated forehead, the shame of being rejected by Jesse St. James.

Click.

I heard the auditorium doors open.

"Rach? Mr. Schu was looking for you." You started to walk down the aisle toward me. Quickly realizing something was wrong, your look changed, smile turning to frown. Softly you sat in the seat beside me. "What's going on, Rae?"

"I just. Can't believe he is gone. And my mom." For the first time in my life, I felt completely at a loss for words.

"Well, maybe I can make you feel better," you said with a soft smile. I felt my eyes lifting to meet yours.

"How do you expect to do that, Mr. Hudson!" Taking my hand, you lead me onto the stage, Brad coming into position at the piano, you running onto the stage, taking a seat at the drums.

"I have been working on something for you. I think this will say everything I have been thinking."

Taking the jazz brushes in your hands, you began to play along with Brad, creating the most beautiful melody I have maybe ever heard.

_You're searching for something I know won't make you happy.  
_

_You did it all again, you broke another skin.  
It's hard to believe this time, hard to believe  
That my heart, my heart's an open door.  
You got all you came for, baby.  
So weary, someone to love is bigger than your pride's worth  
Is bigger than the pain you got for it hurts  
And out runs all of the sadness  
It's terrifying, life, through the darkness.  
_

_And I'd do it all again, I'd do it all again.  
You try sometimes but it won't stop,  
You got my heart and my head's lost.  
I've been burning down these candles for love,  
So weary, someone to love is bigger than your pride._

_You're searching for something I know, wont make you happy.  
_

I felt overwhelmed.

You were right.

I ran to Jesse for all the wrong reasons. Rejection. Bruised pride. He wasn't the one I loved. I could one day love you, Finn. I was falling for you. I fell for you.

And you still were so willing. So willing to forgive me. So willing to take me into your arms, to forgive me for my pride and arrogance.

You ended the song with a clang of the brushes on the cymbals, and I felt flustered. Not knowing what to say to you, I did the only thing I knew I could do. I walked away.

* * *

**AN: I NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING! TALK TO ME! Review! Thanks. :D **

**Emily **


	8. Circle K Amaxophobia

Dear Finn,

It is 3 am, and today is the day that I start back to school, my Junior year. It has been almost three months since the Incident. I still can barely breathe when I think of you. When someone says your name, I really can't contain my tears.

I need you.

I miss you.

I still love you.

All I want is to hear your voice, to say your name and get a smile in response. To laugh with you, and know that you are happy, wherever you are.

Why is it that time is so short?

We only had a few months, 8 months and 23 days to be exact, from the day you joined Glee Club to the day of Regionals. I deserved more time with you, Finn. We deserved to be happy. You deserved more time, time to grow. Time to live. Time to love, to fall in love with me.

We just. Needed more time.

I know the Incident really was all my fault. You shouldn't have been driving that night, you should have been safe in bed at the Hummel's house. But instead, you were driving your old pickup truck in the warm, drizzly spring rain.

It was the best and worst night of my life.

The therapist keeps trying to get me to tell her about it.

I don't think I can, not yet.

* * *

I haven't driven my car since the Incident. Not even to the Circle K down the street. I walk everywhere I go. Sometimes, I walk for hours, just wanting to avoid talking to my dads.

Finn, today I walked by your old house for the first time since… well, you know.

I sat in the grass by the "For Sale" sign for what seemed like an hour, pulling at the grass. I waited for the tears to come, but I didn't feel like crying anymore.

To be honest, I felt the closest I had to you since that Night. I felt peace, for that one solitary hour.

"Rachel, what are you doing here?"

I about jumped out of my skin, not expecting Puck when he sat down beside me on your lawn.

"Damn it, Noah, you scared me!" I said, giving him a playful shove and a forced smile.

"You didn't answer my question," he said, and he put his arm around me. Finn, I hope you don't mind. It wasn't anything romantic. Noah has become like a brother to me in the past few months. For some reason, dear, his touch weakened me to tears, finally letting the pent up tears fall down my raw cheeks. "What is going on, Rachel?"

I blubbered my answer. "The therapist wants me to tell him what happened… what happened before… you know."

"Well, do you want to practice on me? Tell me what happened, Rachel. That will make telling the therapist easier."

"I don't think I can, Puck. It's… it's too hard."

"Can you try? I think the Finnster would want you to move on with your life, Rachel. You can't just live in this land where you pretend nothing ever happened."

"I'm not ready, Noah."

"Okay, well let me know when you are, Rachel."

He pressed a kiss to my forehead, then rose to his feet.

"See you at school tomorrow, Noah."

"Bye, Rachel."

I want to keep living like that perfect night didn't exist, feeling guilty for having the best night of my life with you, then letting you go. I should have made you stay with me, Finn. I will never forgive myself. I should have never let you go.

"Wait, Noah!" Puck turned back to me, tears forming in his eyes. I saw that he was fighting for control. "Can you help me with a piece for Glee Club tomorrow? I really need to do something. Closure, you know."

"Sure, anything for you, Rachel. I promised Finn."

"What do you mean? You promised Finn?"

"I promised him. That night in the ICU. He made me promise that I would take care of you for him, no matter what."

"I never knew that, Puck…."

"Just… I am here for you, no matter what, Rachel."

"Bye, Noah."

* * *

The next day in Glee Club, it was quieter than usual in the choir room. Since you have been gone, things have been quieter than usual. Mr. Schuster had given us an assignment the day before, finding a song that would be a memorial to you, baby.

Mercedes and Kurt sang Home.

Quinn, Brittany, Santana, and Artie sang No Air. (It was no where close to our version, don't worry.)

Then Mike Chang and Tina sang Faithfully, in honor of us. I cried like a baby. Going last was a really bad idea, Finn.

But, finally, it was my turn.

Puck stood up, and led onto the stage in the auditorium.

"Rachel and I are going to be doing a mash up of On My Own from Les Mis, which was Finn's favorite song that Rachel sang when we were kids, and Colbie Caillat's song, Never Told You. He picked up his guitar, handed me a mic, and gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

I opened my mouth to sing.

_I miss those blue eyes  
How you kiss me at night  
I miss the way we sleep.  
Like there's no sunrise,  
Like the taste of your smile,  
I miss the way we breathe.  
But I never told you  
What I should have said.  
No, I never told you,  
I just held it in.  
And now,  
I miss everything about you,  
Can't believe that I still want you  
And after all the things we've been through,  
I miss everything about you  
Without you._

_And now I'm all alone again,  
Nowhere to go, no one to turn to.  
Did not want your money sir,  
Came out here cuz I was told to.  
And now the night is near,  
Now I can make believe he's here.  
Sometimes I walk alone at night  
When everybody else is sleeping.  
I think of him, and then I'm happy  
With the company I'm keeping.  
The city goes to bed,  
And I can live inside my head.  
On my own,  
Pretending he's beside me.  
All alone,  
I walk with him till morning.  
Without him,  
I feel his arms around me,  
And when I lose my way I close my eyes  
And he has found me._

_But I never told you  
What I should have said  
No, I never told you  
I just held it in._

_And now,  
I miss everything about you._

_Can't believe that I still want you  
And after all the things we've been through  
I miss everything about you  
Without you._

_In the rain,  
The pavement shines like silver.  
All the lights  
Are misty in the river.  
In the darkness,  
The trees are full of starlight,  
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever.  
And I know  
It's only in my mind,  
That I'm talking to myself  
And not to him.  
And although I know that he is blind,  
Still I say,  
There's a way for us.  
I love him,  
But when the night is over,  
He is gone,  
The river's just a river.  
Without him,  
The world around me changes.  
The trees are bare and everywhere  
The streets are full of strangers.  
I love him,  
But every day I'm learning,  
All my life,  
I've only been pretending!  
Without me,  
His world will go on turning,  
The world is full of happiness that I have never known!  
I love him...  
But only on my own..._

I'm not ready to live without you, yet, Finn. I'm not ready at all. But I guess I don't have another choice.

Forever Yours, Faithfully Loving You Always,

Rach

* * *

**AN: Let me know what you think. Sorry this chapter was depressing. We have had a lot of fluffies lately. hehe.**


	9. Prose Style

**AN: Sorry it has been so long. I don't know if anyone is even still interested in this story, lol. But this is the second to last chapter. Let me know how you liked this addition, good, bad, ugly.

* * *

**

"Rachel, please. Just tell me what happened after Regionals. You will feel better to get it off your chest."

The therapist put her pen and pad of paper down on the table.

"It is totally off the record; no one but me will ever know."

Finn, I don't think I could have told her if you hadn't helped me. I took a deep breath and thought about how happy we were that night.

It's what made me open my mouth.

"My dads were out of town for Regionals. For their anniversary. They felt awful for missing my big show, but it was a big anniversary, their twentieth."

"Good, Rachel. This is a good start. What happened after you found out you lost at Regionals?" I gulped in a deep breath, blurring back into time.

* * *

"Crap. Okay. Okay…. Yes mom, I am sure I can get a ride home. Yes, I am sure someone won't mind. It will be fine. Yes. No. Okay. Bye. I love you too, Mom. Bye." I remember, you slammed your phone shut looking absolutely dejected. Sitting down next to me on the curb, you spoke nervously. "Hey, Rach. I know this is a big favor, but do you mind running me home tonight? After we all go out to get dinner? My grandma who lives in Dayton had to go to the hospital, and my mom is with her." You looked a little worried, your brow furrowed. It took all the power in me to not slip my fingers across your forehead, smoothing out the wrinkles.

"Yeah, no problem, Finn." I smiled faintly, taking your hand in mine. I remember thinking that it was the only thing that I could feel.

"Come on, let's catch up with the others. I think Tina and Artie are already getting us a table at Applebee's," you said, pulling me up from the curb of Bowling Green University's performing arts building where the Regionals competition had been held.

"Okay."

You led me out to my car, guiding my numb body, only letting go after you opened the driver's seat door for me, then walked around to the passenger's side.

The only thing I remember saying when we got in the car is, "I can't believe we lost."

* * *

After a numbing round of appetizers, we had ordered a ridiculous amount of food to soothe the pain of losing, and Kurt stood up at the end of the table. Remember? Raising his pink Shirley Temple in the air, he cleared his throat.

"Excuse me everyone. I would like to propose a toast. To Rachel and Finn. Without your disgusting, but adorable chemistry, our opening number wouldn't have been nearly as fantastic. Cheers!" We clanked all of our cups together, collectively saying cheers. I remember my cheeks burning, partially with pride, and mostly with the way that you were looking at me. Your eyes were so full of how much you loved me, how much I meant to you. That's all I could think about as you put a soft kiss to my forehead, was how much I loved you too. And how I wanted to tell you.

Then you stood up.

"I have two toasts to make. Although this is a drink, not toast… so it doesn't really make sense… but okay. First, I would like to congratulate Puck and Quinn on the birth of their baby and the beginning of their new life and all that. And secondly, I would like to make a toast to Rachel." My heart might have stopped… "Without her, none of us would be here today. Rach, you are the glue that holds us all together, whether we like it or not. We appreciate you, and you know that I love you, I think I always have. Cheers, to Rachel!"

My heart was pounding inside my chest, so hard I could hear it in my ears. You had made maybe the sweetest gesture ever to me. I rose out of my chair, wrapping my arms around your neck for a hug, getting lost in your strong arms, wishing it were the right moment to say it. To say, "I love you too."

Hand-in-hand, we walked out of the restaurant. We were the last ones in the dark parking lot. The night was the prettiest night I had ever seen, the sky so dark, but the stars popping out, like they do at the planetarium.

We stood there in the silence for a little while, before you finally spoke.

"Listen, Rach, I am really sorry… just. So sorry."

"What could you possibly be sorry for, Finn!"

"I'm sorry that we lost it for you. You had to carry the rest of us and I feel bad that we didn't work harder."

"Finn…." I took both of your hands in mine. "You had nothing to do with us losing. We just had bad luck today."

"I know, but I see how upset you are. You deserved to win, Rachel. And next year, I will do everything that I can do to make sure that we win Nationals next year."

I thanked you profusely, a single tear eked out of my eye. Then I had the idea.

"Hey, Finn. Do you want to come over tonight? Just for a little bit. I just. Don't want to be alone. Not after what happened today, with Glee being over…."

"I don't think your dads would like that, Rach…" You were so cute when you were worried, your brow crinkled.

"My dads are in New York City for the week. Please, Finn. I really don't want to leave you."

Immediately, you said a fervent "Yes." And you put me into the car, although unspoken, knowing I needed you to drive. When we got in the car, my tears overflowed. Thinking back on it, I was so self-centered, only thinking about my own needs, thinking about how much we, how much I deserved to win Regionals. Since then, I have learned what real pain is.

But, at the time, I sobbed. Hard. For the first time since we got the news, I allowed myself to really just cry.

You had the keys in the ignition, but you had not yet turned the car on.

"Hey," you said. "Come here." You pulled me into a hug, so tight that I could almost not breathe. I heard once that people with nerve problems, like social disorders, can be helped by applying large amounts of pressure to their bodies when they are in distress. I don't know if I believe that or not, but I do know that your touch calmed me, my body falling limp into yours. "It's okay, Rach. I am right here, no matter what."

I sucked in a deep breath. "Can you just take us home now?"

"Whatever you want, beautiful."

* * *

The soft rocking of the hour-long car-ride pacified my tears. Apparently, I fell asleep, because before I knew better, we were in the driveway of my house. You whispered my name softly to wake me, but I remember thinking there was no way that I could lift my eyelids, too heavy to be maneuvered.

Quietly, you lifted me out of the seat, carrying me to the front door.  
"Rach, wake up. I need you to tell me what key is the house key and open the door."

"I can't. I'm just. So tired." I felt too weak.

"When was the last time you slept?"

"Uhm. Last Tuesday. Maybe." You sighed loudly, sitting me down on the stoop, handing me the keys. I groggily picked one out. "That one." I was feeling more and more awake, the longer we sat on the steps.

"Okay, come on, sleepy head. Let's get you inside." Like a gentleman, you held the door open for me, carrying my large, hot pink duffle bag into the house.

"I am going to go and get you some clothes of dad's and change into something more comfortable. You wanna find us a midnight snack?"

"Sounds good." We went our separate ways.

Running up the stairs, I went into my dads' room, looking for something appropriate for you, Finn. I eventually found a pair of flannel pajama pants and a large, worn out Columbia sweatshirt that I thought wouldn't freak you out too much. Finding something for me to wear ended up taking much longer. Leaving the clothes for you at the top of the stairs, I went pointedly to my closet. I, of course, wanted you to think I was stunning and sexy. I mean, what girl wouldn't want you to think so? However… I definitely didn't want you to think I was trying too hard. And, after all, I am still Rachel Berry, prude until I am 25.

I suddenly remembered I had the perfect thing in the back of my closet: a nightie from a girl's Victoria's Secret shopping spree with Mercedes. I slipped off my outfit from our performance and pulled the thin, cotton shift over my head, adjusting my lacy, skin colored bra so that it didn't show. I peeked in the mirror, taking the pump-it out of my hair, tossing my hair around, then smoothing it around my face. Before I lost my nerve, I gave myself a reassuring smile and bobbed out of the room.

"Did you find anything for us to eat?" The answer was obvious; I could smell the popcorn from my room.

"Yep. You like popcorn still, right?" Then you turned and looked at me for the first time. Jaw practically hitting the floor, your eyes popped open, like kernels of popcorn.

"Hey," I said softly, giggling a little.

"Hi…" your voice dropped off. Clearing your throat to try again, you finally spoke. "Rachel, you are… you are beautiful."

Suddenly feeling shy about how much skin I was showing, I crossed my arms. "Thank you, Finn."

Slowly, you walked towards me, our eyes meeting. Knowing words weren't necessary, you lifted my chin to meet your lips, remember? Soft at first, then deep and firey, we kissed until the microwave beeped loudly, making me jump a little.

"You know… I wasn't hungry anyways," you said with a devilish grin.

Between kisses, I responded. "Me." "Neither."

Your lips met mine again, your hands beginning to roam my sides, lifting the material of my nightie as your hands moved. Smoothly, like I didn't know you could, you lifted me so I could sit on the kitchen island, making me at just your height. Grinning, I found myself wrapping myself around you, completely lost in you as your hands found their way up my gown, sending electric down my spine.

Needless to say, we never ate that popcorn.

* * *

I found myself being carried to my bedroom a while later, giggling all the way. Setting me on my feet again, you resumed kissing me, slowly walking me towards my bed. Finding my way to unbutton your shirt, working my way down to the final button. Working together, we pulled it off, throwing it in the air, then, you fumbled to take your dress pants off while still kissing me. Suddenly, seeing you in your boxers, already just in my bra and underwear and knowing we were nearing the point of no return, I felt doubts clouding my mind, along with this overwhelming sense of not being ready for this.

As I slowly laid back on the bed and you peppered my collarbone with kisses, it became harder to speak, but finally I found my voice.

"Finn…"

"Hmm?" You said, pausing to kiss my lips again, then look at me.

"I don't think I am ready." Completely exposed and vulnerable in front of you, you sighed slowly, and I expected you to be mad at me. "I am so sorry, Finn. I really am. I thought I was ready, I want to be ready. But… I'm not."

"Rach, it's okay. I don't…" You shocked me, Finn. "I don't think I am ready either."

"Really? You… you don't regret telling me you loved me now?"

"Rachel," you said, brushing the hair from my eyes, "If I just wanted sex, I wouldn't have picked someone as special and precious as you. My best friend since kindergarten. The only girl I have ever really loved. And I will never pressure you to do something with me that you don't want to do. I love you."

Overwhelmed by your words, I choked up with tears, unable to say what I wanted to say back so badly. Those four little words, I have said a million times, but never before have I felt the ramifications of actually meaning those words. I did, I meant it. I mean it. But, I just couldn't say it, Finn. I hope you knew that I meant it. That I wanted to say it too.

"Come here," was all you said, and as you pulled yourself back to lean against the headboard of my bed, you pulled me close to you. "I just want to be with you, Rach."

"And I just want to be with you, Finn Hudson. Always." I smiled, cuddling into your side. Turning off my bedside lamp, only candlelight illuminated my room. Molding my body to fit perfectly against yours, tucked perfectly under your arm, I felt warm and safe, and that's all that mattered.

You woke with a start. It was 4:11 a.m. Your cell phone was going off downstairs, and you ran to get it. Pulling your black dress shirt on over my underwear, I groggily followed you down the stairs.

"Hello? What, Kurt! It is 4 in the freaking morning… What do you mean, 'where am I?' I am with Rachel, dude…. Mom and Burt are on their way home from Dayton! Are you joking me! I am so dead. So dead. Shit. How far away are they? Okay. Okay. Thank you for the heads up…. Shut up! I will tell you later. Goodbye, Kurt. And… Thanks man." You slammed the phone and came running to me.

"Rach, I don't know what to do. Mom and Burt are like, not even five minutes from my house. They are going to want to see me at home! And if they find out I am here, I am so screwed."

My heart sank, thinking about you leaving me to sleep alone the rest of the night.

"You could just… stay. Stay here with me. We aren't done yet," I said, a slight releve lifting me to your lips.

"I will be grounded grounded grounded. Can I please just borrow your car? And I will bring it back tomorrow? I will park it like a block from my house or something…. I just. I can't get in trouble with my mom again…"

"Yes, of course, baby. The keys are on the counter. Go now. But… please be careful," I said, pressing my lips to yours one final time…

"I am always careful, Rach. See you later."

"Always," I said. Gently kissing my forehead, you walked out of my life.

This time, for good.

* * *

**AN: What did you think? 10 reviews get you the next chapter, the FINAL chapter. (: There might be an epilog... but probably not. **


	10. The End

_And it starts in my toes, and I crinkle my nose. Wherever it goes, darling I know that you make me smile, so just stay for a while now, holding me tight. _

I climbed into bed, still wearing your dress shirt. Hearing the rain pounding on the roof and singing to myself, I let my body fill up the still-warm space where you had been. Breathing deep, I could still smell you. It was like you were still there. I closed my eyes tight, thanking God for bringing you into my life.

_Baby, just take your time now holding me tight.

* * *

_

I woke slowly as Elphaba's voice filled the air. "_My phone!"_ I remember thinking, jumping out of bed and running to my dresser to answer. Flipping my cell phone open, I expected to hear your voice. It was Kurt's.

"Rachel… are you sitting down?" Kurt sniffled, and his voice was hoarse like he had been crying. Thinking that your grandmother had passed away, I immediately felt my heart sink.

"Yes, I am sitting," I said, plopping onto my bed. (The time on my alarm clock read 5:45, by the way.)

"Rachel, I don't know how to tell you this on the phone, but… Rachel… Finn was in an accident. I am at the hospital now, and… I don't know how to tell you this, but it doesn't look like he is going to make it."

I dropped the phone, then fumbled to grab it again.

"Is this a cruel joke, Kurt? What happened! What happened!"

I jumped out of bed, pacing across my bedroom floor.

"Rachel… I am coming to get you, right now. Finn would… You will need to be here." He hung up. I was alone again. Completely alone.

* * *

"Finn?" I said, creeping up to your side. The machines attached to your body moaned as I reached out to touch your hand. It was warm, like usual, but somehow, lifeless. It didn't squeeze me back like it normally did.

"Baby? Can you hear me? Finn!" I yelled at you. Sorry that I yelled, by the way…

"Rachel," your mom said faintly, "he can't hear you. He's gone." She slowly got up from the chair, tears streaming down her face.

"This is all my fault." I collapsed to the floor, covering my head. "If he hadn't spent the night with me, he would have been safe at home hours ago. What happened! Why…"

"Rachel, this isn't your fault," Burt Hummel said, touching my shoulder. "There was a drunk driver who ran a red light. It was not your fault." Slowly, he lifted me off the floor.

"We already said goodbye. I want to give you a few minutes alone with him, to say your goodbyes. I know would be important to you and to him. " Slowly, one by one, Kurt, Burt, and Mrs. Hudson filed out of the room. Peeking her head back in, she added, "He loved you very much, you know." She sadly smiled at me, then left the room, leaning on Burt for support as she continued to sob for you, her only son.

"I know," I whispered. Clenching my eyes shut, I couldn't help but feel the injustice of the moment. We had only just found each other. Things had just gone right. Your mother didn't deserve to lose both a husband and a son. Slowly, I moved toward your bed.

"Finn, I'm here. I know you probably can't hear me… but I want to talk to you like you can. I just wanted to tell you something… something that I was trying to say all day, but I couldn't find the right way. But first, I think I need to sing. You can hear that, right?" I waited, expecting you to nod. Sighing, I opened my mouth to sing.

_There's a place for us, somewhere a place for us.  
Peace and quiet and open air wait for us somewhere._

It may have been the weakest my voice has ever sounded, barely breaking the silence of the small hospital room.

_There's a time for us, some day a time for us.  
Time together with time to spare, time to look, time to care someday.  
_

Tears streaming from my eyes, I couldn't see anything but your face. I gently crawled into the hospital bed with you, curling my body against yours. Brushing the hair from your cut and bruised face, I began to sing the chorus.

_Somewhere we'll find a new way of living,_

_We'll find a way of forgiving, somewhere._

_There's a place for us, a time and place for us.  
Hold my hand and we're halfway there._

_Hold my hand and I'll take you there,  
Somehow…  
Someday…  
Somewhere._

Blinking the tears from my eyes, and looking at your pale skin, it was still hard to believe that you weren't there, that the boy I loved had already passed on. Your lips were pursed in a small smile, and although there was a large gash on your forehead, your arms bruised and draped with the hospital gown, you still looked the handsome boy… no, the handsome man that I had always been in love with.

"Baby… I just need you to know, even though I wasn't brave enough to say it today, I love you too. I have always loved you, and I will never stop loving you. Finn Matthew Hudson, you mean everything to me, and I will never forget you, and I will never be whole without a part of you in my heart.

"Baby, I love you too."

I soon realized that my tears were running down both of our faces, so it looked like you were crying also. Running my hands through your hair, I tried to bottle up how it felt to touch you, how it felt to play with the wisps at the back of your neck. I stared at you for hours, trying to memorize everything about you, your scent, the way your nose curves, the warmth of your cheeks, the kuthump kuthump of your heart. The last time I felt your heart beat, it had been racing against my skin, in time with my own heart, as you passionately kissed me. And now, you didn't know I was with you at all.

* * *

People came in and out of the room all that day, but I never got up from your side. The room was crowded with family and friends, all praying and paying their respects to Carole, but I never budged. I don't remember any of their faces, but I did hear some of their voices. I just couldn't bear to meet their sad eyes, pitying my loss, pitying Finn, pitying themselves.

"Rachel?" Your mom came in, startling me. "It is noon. They have to do their jobs now, honey."

It was time.

Your mom crawled into the bed also, on the other side of you. She kissed your hair, her tears flooding down her cheeks. She whispered her goodbyes, telling you that she would see you on the other side. One hand holding yours, she reached out and grabbed my hand. We all three clutched onto one another, Finn, as the doctor came into the room and turned off all the machines that were keeping you alive. The long steady beeping of the flat-line filled the room. Quickly, the doctor turned off the sound, and your mom and I just sat with you. Your mom told all of her favorite stories, Finn, of when you were a little boy. A lot of them were about us, and how much fun we had together as kids.

"He loved you, so much Rachel."

* * *

Three days later, I stood at your funeral, next to your mother, receiving hundreds of condolences. I know I looked like a mess, my hair stringy around my face, and my black dress reflecting the black state of my heart. I hadn't talked to my best friend in three days, and I was already miserable. Finn, I still don't know how I am going to live everyday without you.

Slowly, when it was my turn to say kind words about you, I tucked my hair behind my ears and inhaled deeply.

"Hello... I am Rachel Berry..." Even I was shocked by how sad I sounded. My voice was weak and I knew they turned up the microphone so I could be heard throughout the whole church.

"Finn Hudson was my boyfriend, my first love, my first kiss. He meant the world to me..." Looking down at my notecard, I prayed for strength to keep talking. "He was perfect, having that thing about him that no matter what, you want it. He was funny, charming, caring, and more than anything else, he had the biggest heart. Saturday, for the first time, he told me he loved me, and I can truly say that I loved him too. He was everything to me, and this song is for him."

Slowly, I walked to the middle of the stage. Noah joined me, guitar around his neck, and Quinn joined him to sing harmony.

_I still remember the look on your face lit through the darkness at __1:58__.  
The words that you whispered for just us to know.  
You told me you loved me, so why did you go away? _

Clenching my eyes tightly shut, I began to sing the chorus, the words coming out stronger and more passionate than I ever thought possible. For you, Finn, I gave my best performance to date.

_But now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes.  
All that I know is that I want to be something you miss.  
Never thought we'd have a last kiss.  
Never imagined we'd end like this,  
Your name, forever the name on my lips._

I love you, too, I thought. I love you too, Finn. 

As the audience clapped, I knew that you were watching, and I knew you were the only audience that would ever matter. _  
_

_

* * *

_

Watching them lower your body, your coffin into the ground, was the most painful moment I have every experienced. I stood and stared as they dumped dirt upon the fresh grave. I stood alone at the grave, the sun setting behind the trees in the distance. I knew that I should go, and leave the workers to do their job without my audience... but leaving you in the cold ground? Leaving you alone? No. You needed me. Slowly, I began to turn and leave, but first, I remember that there was one last thing I needed to do.

"I love you too," I remember whispering. Singing to you one last time, I opened my mouth. "I am forever yours, faithfully."

~ Fin ~

* * *

**AN: Well, that was the last chapter. I was thinking of doing an epilog of a letter from Finn to Rachel. Let me know. (: Please, please please review... it would make my life lovely. **


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